America Wasting Food: Why This is a Good Thing

Photograph: Lindsey Parnaby/EPA Photograph: Clara Molden/PA

According to the USDA, Americans waste nearly one-third of their food each year. Now let’s avoid the “Hey! America could be using all that food to feed the hungry” circle jerk for a moment and look at some positive takeaways from this report:

1) In 2010, an estimated 133 billion pounds of food was wasted. So, America is 133 billion pounds lighter than it could have been, likely reducing heart disease as well as strain on our health care system. You call it waste, I call it collective self control.

2) This 133 billion pounds of food equates to roughly $161.1 billion in retail spending. That’s just good Americans putting more money back into the economy – a self-directed stimulus program of sorts. Great initiative, America!

3) A lighter America spends less on fuel (cars transport less weight), wears smaller clothes (less child labor) and has a smaller carbon footprint. Now that’s thinking globally, acting locally.

You see, when you look at the report’s findings this way, it’s not all that bad. In fact, you could say that the glass is half full. In which case, you should probably empty the contents of that glass. For Earth.

2029: The Robots Take Over

According to AI expert Ray Kurzweil, a guy who has a knack for accurately predicting technological advances, robots will be smarter than us by 2029. By that point, he suggests that they will be able to learn, joke – even flirt.

I’ve long accepted that robots will eventually rule us all (I’ve seen Terminator 3 twice, so I have a pretty sound understanding of these kinds of things). But flirting? Shit. I think we’ve found the exact moment the takeover will be complete.

Think about it: the moment robots start picking up chicks at the bar, it’s game over for us male Fleshies (their cute yet demeaning pet name for us).  That, combined with our masters’ Matrix-style downloads of Kama Sutra, Erotic Massage and related pleasure programs, means no more nookie. Even if our overlords are gracious enough to leave us some scraps, all we’ll ever hear is stuff like “T30XL did this…umm…thing. Can you do that?”

Game. Set. Match.

 

Record Nude Swim In Sydney

Photo / AFP

Hundreds bared all in the annual Skinny Sydney nude swim on Sunday. The goal, according to organizers, was to promote “greater self acceptance” and to “throw aside concerns of body image.”

Nice idea, but you’re late to the party, Australia. Walmart customers gave away all fucks about body image years ago.

That said, these Walmart patrons should take a page out of the Aussies’ book and enter a large body of water immediately. With some Irish Spring.

Florida Theater Shooting: Who’s Worse: Shooter or His Lawyer?

curtreeves

Recapping the first court appearance for Curtis Reeves, who shot a guy for texting in a movie theater:

LAWYER: This is clearly a case of “Stand Your Ground.” I mean, the guy threw popcorn at my client. POPCORN. You know that shit is buttered and my client is both lactose intolerant and on meds for high cholesterol. Might as well have thrown a dang ninja star at his heart.

And how do we know the guy wasn’t texting with his terrorist network? Amirite? #9/11 

I know the guy doesn’t have much to work with but GEEZ: claiming the victim, who is dead and has many a witness in his favor, deserved his fate? Just call in sick next time.

Half of Americans Have ADD (Is How I Read This)

boring

A recent study showed that nearly half of Americans use a second device while watching TV. 67% of those people reported that it makes watching TV “somewhat” more enjoyable.

Somewhat. That’s the equivalent of “I’m not quite as bored…I guess.”

Sure, there’s a lot of Honey Boo-Bullshit on shit on TV these days, but we’ve developed some serious ADD. I mean, it’s not the elderly using iPads (unless they’ve mistaken one for the remote), it’s the young whippersnappers, the Millenials – my people. We can’t distract ourselves without distracting ourselves from the distractions.

“Now hold on. I’m accessing show-related content. So I’m actually MORE engaged.”

Nope. If you were into what you were watching, you wouldn’t be able to pull yourself from the screen. Example time:

When someone pulls out their iPhone while talking to you and responds to someone else’s texts, their not interested enough in your conversation.

If while watching porn you use your free hand to look up the name of the actress on your phone (High school valedictorian? Brains are SEXY!), you’re not only bored, you’re also a Champion Multitasker. Kudos.

We’ll see this trend continue no doubt as program quality continues to erode and, well, old people die…because they are REALLY skewing the numbers right now. It’s worse than it looks.